Let the 'Force' choose your Sponsor
How to choose a sponsor by Shelly M.In
our 12-step fellowships, although we value diversity in our
spirituality (God as we understand Him), all of us are inextricably
connected to each other. We not only share a similar way of life but we
share the same goals--a connection with our Higher Power and service to
others. This service work is done in a variety of ways, but one of the
most rewarding and enlightening is sponsorship, both for the sponsor
and the sponsee.
Although there are numerous pamphlets, guidelines and advice for the sponsor--little attention is given as to how the sponsee* chooses the correct sponsor in the first place.
When it came time for me to pick a sponsor the only advice given was
1) pick a same sex sponsor (since I am woman, I immediately picked an older man)
2) get someone who has what you want. (who the heck knew what I wanted?)
In 1969 when I found the 12-step programs there were few sober women and the ones available certainly didn’t have what I thought I wanted: glamour, fame, and fortune. They were crusty old white haired things who sat in the clubs drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, barking orders, and generally appearing petty scary to us newcomers.
My temporary male sponsor was about to give me the boot because I would not/could not find a female sponsor. So in desperation (isn’t this usually the way it is?), I begged God, “Please send me a female sponsor because my male sponsor is getting mad at me.”
Besides, other newcomers had sponsors they bragged about, “My sponsor told me this” and “My sponsor said that.” They looked so proud and I wanted nothing more then to say “MY sponsor told me thus and such,” and have it be so profound that I would be recognized as having the best sponsor around.
Two weeks later, I walked in to our local 12-step club and a force stopped me by the coffee klatch of cackling white haired ladies. There was one, Elaine whose hair was fading from a flaming red to would-be white, that I particularly disliked. The ladies stopped and stared at me as a voice ran through my head “Ask Elaine to be your sponsor!” I argued mentally “NO! I don’t even like her!” I tried to continue forward and could not. “ASK ELAINE TO BE YOUR SPONSOR.” Since I physically could not move forward and the attention of the ladies became increasingly uncomfortable, I relented and pulled Elaine aside, asking her be my sponsor.
To my great relief and embarrassment, she replied, “No.”
The force let me go and I “thanked” the universe for the joke. However, that night Elaine called and said, “Shelly, this has never happened to me before but God has brought me to my knees and told me in no uncertain terms that He is sending me babies for ME, not for them. If you still want me, I would be honored to be your sponsor.”
Do I need to tell you that God knew best? For the next 20 years until her death,
the bulk of the wisdom and love I have gained from this way of life came from that crusty old thing, Elaine.
Any of you can have God make your choice, as I did. But for those of you who want more conventional means to sponsordom, there are a few sensible guidelines to keep in mind.
Choosing a Sponsor:
1. Best to get a same sex sponsor. If I have to tell you why, definitely get a same sex sponsor.
2. Pick someone who handles situations in life and at meetings as you would like to see yourself handle them in the future. No, you do not have to like this person, only respect their character.
3. Is this person a program guru? If your prospective sponsor holds themselves up as a perfect model of the program all the time and never discusses their own failings, disappointments, and difficulties in an honest, open manner, you will know they are full of crap. No matter how long we work these steps we will never raise above the level of human being. Anyone who presents an aura of infallibility at meetings will compare you to their high standards and constantly find you wanting--this view also holds them in a higher position then you, forget it.
4. Do they ‘walk their talk?’ Everyone makes mistakes. Is this person able to cop to them and make it right (Step 10)? Many people stay sober on step 1 and 12. If a prospective sponsor is staying sober on 1 and 12, how can they teach you to work the other 10?
5. Will this person be available to you? A sponsor who has more then five active “babies” in their first couple of years won’t have time to sponsor you correctly. We hear of folks that have 25 to 100 sponsees--especially popular circuit speakers. But the quality of the relationship has to suffer if they can’t devote plenty of energy to you. If your prospective sponsor ever boasts about how many people they are sponsoring, don’t be another feather in their cap while depriving yourself of needed help.
6. When all else fails, let your Higher Power choose. Pray each morning after you wake for the right sponsor to be introduced to you and for you to be able to recognize them. It shouldn’t take longer than a couple of weeks and you will have your sponsor!
OK, Go get yourself a sponsor. And may the force be with you!
Although there are numerous pamphlets, guidelines and advice for the sponsor--little attention is given as to how the sponsee* chooses the correct sponsor in the first place.
When it came time for me to pick a sponsor the only advice given was
1) pick a same sex sponsor (since I am woman, I immediately picked an older man)
2) get someone who has what you want. (who the heck knew what I wanted?)
In 1969 when I found the 12-step programs there were few sober women and the ones available certainly didn’t have what I thought I wanted: glamour, fame, and fortune. They were crusty old white haired things who sat in the clubs drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, barking orders, and generally appearing petty scary to us newcomers.
My temporary male sponsor was about to give me the boot because I would not/could not find a female sponsor. So in desperation (isn’t this usually the way it is?), I begged God, “Please send me a female sponsor because my male sponsor is getting mad at me.”
Besides, other newcomers had sponsors they bragged about, “My sponsor told me this” and “My sponsor said that.” They looked so proud and I wanted nothing more then to say “MY sponsor told me thus and such,” and have it be so profound that I would be recognized as having the best sponsor around.
Two weeks later, I walked in to our local 12-step club and a force stopped me by the coffee klatch of cackling white haired ladies. There was one, Elaine whose hair was fading from a flaming red to would-be white, that I particularly disliked. The ladies stopped and stared at me as a voice ran through my head “Ask Elaine to be your sponsor!” I argued mentally “NO! I don’t even like her!” I tried to continue forward and could not. “ASK ELAINE TO BE YOUR SPONSOR.” Since I physically could not move forward and the attention of the ladies became increasingly uncomfortable, I relented and pulled Elaine aside, asking her be my sponsor.
To my great relief and embarrassment, she replied, “No.”
The force let me go and I “thanked” the universe for the joke. However, that night Elaine called and said, “Shelly, this has never happened to me before but God has brought me to my knees and told me in no uncertain terms that He is sending me babies for ME, not for them. If you still want me, I would be honored to be your sponsor.”
Do I need to tell you that God knew best? For the next 20 years until her death,
the bulk of the wisdom and love I have gained from this way of life came from that crusty old thing, Elaine.
Any of you can have God make your choice, as I did. But for those of you who want more conventional means to sponsordom, there are a few sensible guidelines to keep in mind.
Choosing a Sponsor:
1. Best to get a same sex sponsor. If I have to tell you why, definitely get a same sex sponsor.
2. Pick someone who handles situations in life and at meetings as you would like to see yourself handle them in the future. No, you do not have to like this person, only respect their character.
3. Is this person a program guru? If your prospective sponsor holds themselves up as a perfect model of the program all the time and never discusses their own failings, disappointments, and difficulties in an honest, open manner, you will know they are full of crap. No matter how long we work these steps we will never raise above the level of human being. Anyone who presents an aura of infallibility at meetings will compare you to their high standards and constantly find you wanting--this view also holds them in a higher position then you, forget it.
4. Do they ‘walk their talk?’ Everyone makes mistakes. Is this person able to cop to them and make it right (Step 10)? Many people stay sober on step 1 and 12. If a prospective sponsor is staying sober on 1 and 12, how can they teach you to work the other 10?
5. Will this person be available to you? A sponsor who has more then five active “babies” in their first couple of years won’t have time to sponsor you correctly. We hear of folks that have 25 to 100 sponsees--especially popular circuit speakers. But the quality of the relationship has to suffer if they can’t devote plenty of energy to you. If your prospective sponsor ever boasts about how many people they are sponsoring, don’t be another feather in their cap while depriving yourself of needed help.
6. When all else fails, let your Higher Power choose. Pray each morning after you wake for the right sponsor to be introduced to you and for you to be able to recognize them. It shouldn’t take longer than a couple of weeks and you will have your sponsor!
OK, Go get yourself a sponsor. And may the force be with you!
Sponsor Story INDEX
How to Order
- Amazon Sales
- A-Store with other great recovery books
- 888 447 1683
- 888 447 1683 Call for wholesale orders or for the password to buy wholesale from Direct Sales online.
AA's
serving in the Military overseas (and the ones
who love them).
A
group of recovering alcoholics outside Cleveland Ohio, has started a
program to provide AA speaker CD's on a monthly basis to our service
men and women. This service is offered FREE to anyone who wants to
receive them,
To begin receiving CDs, send your
mailing address (APO) by clicking
here.
They
will confirm receipt of your request and include you in the next
mailing. Please direct any questions to Chuck B at the above address.
Sign up for the Daily Pocket Sponsor Quote
If you want to receive them,
ask to be put on the list.
What People write to Billy Bob about his column:
Hi Bill: I open my computer everyday and looking for your daily message “Pocket Sponsor” because I like very much the thoughts inside in. I think it is worth reading the texts because there are many positives ideas about the interior life and the better way of living. In general, Brazilian people have difficulty to understand your language. I passed it on for two or three friends who understand English. This is from Glauberio in Brazil
Booze News
Stanford University researchers say that all types of drugs, including alcohol, cocaine, amphetamines, morphine, and nicotine, affect neurons in the same part of the brain, Read on...
Young, Sober, & Free
the Big Book for Young People in recovery!
Buy from Amazon and receive a great discount!
Trademark Notice
Known Cures for alcohlism and other drug addictions
Known Cures for alcoholism & other drug addictions
This book will surprise you and anyone who opens it to find the cures for alcoholism --it's blank inside!
Yeah, why? because we know there is no cure. After you stop laughing you can use this book as a recovery journal or a 5th step aid.
Dr. Ima Teetotaler is the author and you are the one who gets the serious message behind the levity.
Or 1 or more from Amazon or our Direct Sales Department.